Overwhelmed

With the weeks going by so quickly (hello, April? April? Where did you go?) and the approach of my baby's birthday even closer I have thought back on the past few months a lot. Mainly because it has been such a time of mixed emotions for me. Joy, rapture, anticipation, worry, anxiety, overwhelmingness, doubt, fear....

Ever since that day on Christmas Eve I have wondered if I will truly hold this baby. Even now as she does flips and turns and all sorts of other gymnastics I have had the doubt. I don't know if it's the fact that I have waited so long for this, the early complications, or the hormones.

I go twice a week now for NSTs (non stress tests to monitor baby's movement and heartrate) and once a week for a quick scan to make sure fluid level, placenta, and baby movement are still good. This has offered some reassurance.

But really, where should all of my reassurance be coming from? Why is it so hard to believe that God will take care of my baby and me? Why do I struggle every day with opening my Bible? Why do I struggle with even talking to God? When I need Him so much I feel like I am just distancing myself more and more everyday! I do pick up my Bible in hopes that today will be the day that I can truly lay it all down at His feet and walk away. I do commune with Him through prayer. Though I feel like sometimes all I do is ask, ask, ask.

It's been a tough season. One that I am looking forward to looking back on and seeing the lessons I learned.

Be Blessed!