Today in my devotional time I was really convicted about something. Mainly about my relationship with my kids these last few weeks. Everyone has reassured me it's hormonal, but looking back I think it's just an excuse to escalate my bad attitude. I mean, there has to come a point I stop blaming Lily for everything, right? :)Anyway, back to my relationship with my kids. It's been rough. I get to the point where I can't stand to hear them. They talk to me and I glare at them. They run around the house playing and I yell at them to STOP! It's pretty ridiculous. I mean, really, why would any of my kids want to have babies if this is what it looks like?!
So today I wrote one short prayer in my prayer journal. Lord, help me to LOVE my children. Help me to have a better relationship with them. Heal all the hurt I have caused. I also wrote down three expectations for myself. These I came up with while I was showering and thinking. Because, you know mamas, sometimes that quick shower in the morning is the only thinking time we have. :)
* I need to let go of my "Ideal". When you go into motherhood, at least for me, you have this ideal of what it is going to look like. I think for too many years I have strived for this ideal and when it did not happen I got frustrated. Frustrated with myself, frustrated with my children, dare I say it? Frustrated with God. But see my ideal does not work for my family. For starters my kids came with some pretty heavy emotional baggage that they are still struggling with. Second, after having kids I realized just what a selfish, sinner I really was. I don't always want to die to myself everyday so these kids can have what they want/need from me.
* I need to let go of my "Ideal". When you go into motherhood, at least for me, you have this ideal of what it is going to look like. I think for too many years I have strived for this ideal and when it did not happen I got frustrated. Frustrated with myself, frustrated with my children, dare I say it? Frustrated with God. But see my ideal does not work for my family. For starters my kids came with some pretty heavy emotional baggage that they are still struggling with. Second, after having kids I realized just what a selfish, sinner I really was. I don't always want to die to myself everyday so these kids can have what they want/need from me.
*I need to let go of control and learn better how to guide. Another thing I realized after God brought these kids into my life. I am a control FREAK! No lie! I am also paranoid as all get out. It does not bode well for my children. They have to look at least 17 times before they cross the street. And that's for my 10 and 13yos who are actually allowed to cross the street by themselves. :) Maybe I exaggerate a bit much. ;) But seriously, my kids are getting a little older. It is time to let them make some mistakes. I would rather they make the mistakes now while I am here to help clean up then when they are far away from me and need good guidance. SO I need to learn how to guide them through making the tough decisions and stop making the choices for them all the time. I do believe what I told our 13yo the other day. God gave her a mom and dad to know all about the scary stuff in the world and to make rules to keep her safe so she does not have to deal with it all right now. I am by no means ready to throw them to the wolves or let them out from under the umbrella of protection, but I could do a little better in letting them take the lead.
*I need to let God paint the picture of our family. This goes with one and two a lot. Everyone has a picture of what they want their family to look like. Mine resembled some Little House on the Prairie fantasy. My reality is more like the Simpsons. I need to realize that while God has put me here to mold and shape these kids, I need to make sure I am molding and shaping them into what he wants and not so much what I want.
It's a long road and one that I am sure I will have to spend much time repenting and relearning as I go, but it's enough for now that I can see these areas in my life that need taming. I just pray for wisdom and discernment on this path, because we only get this one day to live. Tomorrow is not promised. Tomorrow my 13yo will be 21 and I will be watching the fruit I produced in her life begin to ripen or rot. I will cover her and all of my children in prayer. I will pray for God to show me how to raise them. How to let go of my wants and desires and bend to His will for these kids. I pray for his mercy and grace to cover up the failures and let the kids only see that I love them enough to try. Maybe not cover up as much as minimize the effect they have on them.
That's my prayer.
Be Blessed!
Hey now, don't be too hard on yourself. Pregnancy is rough! I am sure you're a great mom and wife! Just find some good quiet activities or outside stuff the kids can do in the middle of the day when you need a break. Mine are small enough that I can print color pages and have them just sit and color. I also delegate chores when I have had too much noise or bickering etc... I wish I lived close I'd have a cup of tea with you! We could send the kids out with sidewalk chalk :) I have a fenced back yard.
ReplyDeleteYup, you've been in my head again!
ReplyDeleteAs I struggled to just get through the day today (which was GREAT - I just get easily overwhelmed), I realized that...well....my problem is basically ME! My kids are acting like kids (good kids!), the messes are totally normal, and overall, my house isn't that bad.
I'm just neurotic. ;)
Yup. We're peas in a pod ~ neurotic, controlling, AMAZING Momma peas!!
Luv ya ~ Can't wait to meet Lily!!
I am a first time visitor to your blog, and I just have to say THANK YOU for this post. God was using you to speak to me.
ReplyDeleteConsider yourself HUGGED! I know realizing all this must have been hard on you, but that is the first step to making changes. And I agree with Trish. Don't be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Andrea
I just love your blog! You're looking great and you're taking good care of yourself. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're not the horrible person you make yourself out to be. As Moms we have the tough job of making sure everyone is safe and we also hear all the yelling and arguing from our children, which is tough. It says something good about you, though, that you are seeking the Lord to help you. I did the same when my children were young and it did make a big difference in our relationship. It's a wise woman who seeks wisdom from the Lord. :)
Take care and God bless you - Julie