Trust in God.

I have always wanted to be pregnant. Always. I wanted the whole experience of carrying the baby and delivering and just the whole shebang.
This has not been easy. I'm going to be completely honest here. Keeping it real. I know there is someone else out there going through the same thing and she needs to hear she's not alone.
Tomorrow is my ultrasound. I have heard the baby's heart beat on two different occasions. That made him very real to me. That closed my mommy heart around him so completely that no matter what happens now I will always hold him close.
I made some poor decisions before I found out I was pregnant. I have had Type 2 diabetes as a complication of PCOS for about two to three years now. It's never been under control. I have taken medicine and mostly watched what I ate, but if I wanted something else I would eat it. Picture the holidays. Enough said. During the holidays meaning from October til I found out on Christmas Eve, my baby was growing vital organs. He was at one of the most important developmental stages in a baby's life. My blood sugar was shooting up like crazy. Between 200 and 300. I thought it was just me. I tried to cut back on some of my foods and kept taking my medicine to no help.
Finding out I was pregnant and reading about high blood sugar in the first few months made my blood run cold. The doubt and fear in my OBs eyes when he read my blood sugar chart made me want to cry all over again.
I trust in God. I know He is the one who knit my baby together in the womb. I know that God always does the right thing.
What troubles me is that God's right thing and my right thing don't always add up. I just have to choose to trust God's right thing. That is faith that is surely stretching me right now.
Chances are tomorrow's ultrasound will go great. I will see a tiny little baby in there still forming. Still becoming who he is going to be.
But I'm prepared to not see that as well.
I know through it all God is in control. I keep doubting my faith because I dare believe that my baby could not be ok. Because I dare to not be excited about tomorrow. But then I realize it's not really my faith I'm doubting. I do believe that God is going to do what He thinks is best. That His glory will be shown through no matter what.
Even if it's hard and I question it, I know in the end my trust will be in the author of our lives. I know that I can go to Him and cry out and be disillusioned. I know that good or bad tomorrow will be a new day. The next day will be another chance to trust in God. I will always choose to trust in God.
I know, kind of heavy for someone supposed to be rejoicing in this new life. I can't put into words how excited I am about this baby. He was promised, he was prayed for, he was dreamed of, he is so wanted. I just wanted to put out there the doubts and fears. I know someone out there needed to hear this. My prayers are with you, dear one! You are not alone.

Be Blessed!