Added to the bookshelf

(Click on picture to direct to Amazon)


I picked up this book at our local Christian bookstore the other day. I'd been waiting and waiting for them to get it in. I suggest everyone read this book.
I remember clearly about a year ago I listened to three mom's that I know of teenage girls talk about the boys coming around. "What can we do?" was the sigh by all three moms. I turned to tell them about courtship and then promptly stopped. They were all smiling about it. They honestly thought that any thing other than dating would never work. We could never ask these young girls to give up their "right" to date.
I climbed back into my shell and ashamedly did not even mention courtship or anything like it.
My daughter is only 12 what do I know anyway?

These kids are way to precious to me to just send out at 13,15,16 and say good luck! Hope you pick a winner! In the above mentioned book, Reverend Baucham suggests we not only protect our daughters and actively help them in choosing a mate, but that we also spend the time it takes to raise up young men to meet these expectations. Why should we focus only on training girls to be wives and mothers and forget that we need to train our sons to be husbands and fathers? As much as we need to show our girls the right way to find a mate we need to show our sons how to respect his future wife enough to be ready to court her properly.

This girl. My 12 year old, lives in a world where boys and dating and relationships are constantly thrust at her. On every tv show/movie geared toward her age every girl is interested in some boy or dating some boy.... we don't watch them here but she is still exposed no matter how careful we are. Even in church girls her age are going out on "dates" with boys. Sometimes with parents along, sometimes with friends. Twelve year olds?

I got this book for her mainly. So that we can know how to guide her. So she can see that there is an alternative.

These boys are going to grow to be men. I have a serious problem with the Peter Pan syndrome of today. Men who never grow up. I know one man who is going to be 40 soon. His ex girlfriend had his baby over a year ago. He picks him up on Saturday night, brings him back on Sunday night. His new girlfriend watches the baby. He balks at paying child support. Seriously? GROW UP!

Our boys are going to be raised to be responsible. When it's time, they will take a wife build a family. We are training them to be protectors, providers, priests, and prophets of their homes. And unless God wills it they will not be doing those things at 40.

Read the above referenced book.

These two little girls will hopefully benefit from any wisdom we pick up while charting these waters with their sister. At 9 and 7, they have not really noticed boys yet. Beyond their sister telling them about a cute boy.

One of the great illustrations used by Voddie Baucham and also by Paul Washer is a man's prized car. Maybe it's an extended cab brand new truck, shiny. Maybe it's a Porshe that a man saved his whole life for. Would he hand over the keys to this to a pimply faced boy of sixteen? No? Well then why would he hand over his precious 16 year old daughter?

Be Blessed!

Courtship An Alternative Part Four

Engagement!
This one is short, sweet and to the point.

The young couple has been a'courting. They have decided they are right for one another. Now what?
According to Mr. Andrews, the first thing the young man should do is check in with his dad. After his dad has given the go ahead it's time to approach the young woman's father. The fathers should have been evaluating the relationship and should have a definate opinion on how things are going. Mr. Andrews says that the young man should have been communicating with the young woman's father the entire time. He should have been asking for evaluations and have an idea where he stands.

Here is the opportunity for the young man to ask for his beloved's hand in marriage. The father gives his blessing and then he must approach his beloved. If she should say yes, then the engagement is on. But, what if after all his hard work she says, no? Mr. Andrews says, that you have the blessing of the father and can continue to try to win her heart. Here is one of my favorite quotes, "God has made men out of boys who would not take no for an answer." :) This does not mean he should be obnoxious, but there is nothing wrong for persuing and fighting for the girl of his heart. It could make a huge impression on her. Remember we girls are responders.
The engagement period should allow only enough time to prepare for the wedding. The two should be prepared for marriage by now with schooling and other hinderances out of the way. If this is not so they should not have entered into a courtship. Mr. Andrews says, and I agree that, "Extended engagements only lead to physical pressures, because both now know that they are committed to each other."
Marriage is a beautiful thing. I love being married. I truly wish I had saved my heart and love for this man of mine. I was so busy giving it away growing up that it is still damaged and recovering. The practice of modern dating in my eyes is useless and dangerous. How often did relationships end and others begin within a few weeks. Is that really good practice for marriage? When the going gets tough you switch partners? Phew, how many times would some of us be divorced right now? I am so greatful for the example of Mr. Andrews and others like him. People who are willing to venture off the mainstream path and try something different. People who are willing to admit what they did wrong and share what they did right. As someone who is part of "mainstream christianity" I have no idea what Im doing with these kids of mine. I don't want to parent like those around me. I turn to the wisdom of others who have gone on before and made it work. I also find answers in God's word. How greatful and I am for that resource. LOL.

I hope you enjoyed this series. If you have any input or advice it would be strongly appreciated. Just don't tell me that I have to let my kids date or they will rebel. I reject that teaching and do not agree with it. :)

Be Blessed!

Courtship An Alternative Part Three

Courtship- The Next Step



Ok, so you have your friends. One day the young man notices the young lady a little more closely. Maybe he is attracted by her sweet spirit, her gentleness, her kindness.... whatever. Something to pull out here is that the boy needs to be the aggressor. Women are made to be responders, men aggressors. The first person he needs to seek out is his father. Here are some of the questions Mr. Andrews thinks should be answered between father and son:
Am I ready to pursue a serious relationship with marriage as the result?
Is this young lady an appropriate candidate for a wife for me?
What do you see that I don't see that could be a problem?
This should all be discussed before any emotional attachment occurs.
Mr. Andrews says at this point the father is in a position to encourage the relationship or to end it.

Mr. Andrews says, "If dad gives the green light the next step is to contact the girl's father. He is in authority over his daughter and must be apprised of any interest in her. This is not a request to marry his daughter, but to enter into a courtship phase in the relationship; a period of time for serious investigation by all parties (the girl, the boy, and both fathers) as to whether this young couple are God's choices for each other.
Now its important to point out here that some dads will have no idea what is going on when the boy calls him up to ask his daughter out. Some boys will have no idea how this courtship thing works. Hopefully the dad will find it impressive that the boy is willing to include him. Boys might not understand why the girl has so many dating rules, but if he truly wants to get to know her then he will be respectful. Thats the first sign that he is mature enough for marriage. A willingness to respect her father and her father's vision for his family.

Mr. Andrews briefly describes a situation with his daughter who was away at college and how a young man stepped in to woo her off of her feet. When you get the book you will understand the story. :)
I use that to quote him on something very near and dear to my heart.
"... sending a girl away to college, out from under a father's direct supervision, is a very dangerous thing, no matter solid she may be spiritually, no matter how much she agrees with her father's role in her life, and no matter how committed she is to her father's vision. Girls are responders, and they will respond to the right young man. Fathers must train daughters when they are very young to hide nothing from them, to always walk in the light with them. They must be confident of this, or they should not let their daughter leave their direct supervision."
I am praying that our girls do not go away to college. I don't care if they go to college at all in all honesty. I do pray if they need a degree in something though that they can do it here at home under their father's protection.
Moving on... LOL

"Courtship is a time, based on a previous friendship, rather than a romance, when two people are consciously seeing if they are God's choice for each other." Mr. Andrews goes on to explain that during courtship while kissing is still taboo that a couple may now hold hands. He said this signifies they are a couple. We are still being very careful to guard our hearts.
Mr. Andrews says that, "Courtship provides formal definition, so everyone knows where the relationship is. There are no surprises. Evaluation is occurring: the couple evaluating each other, and asking the question, 'Is he/she right for me?', the girl's father asking,' Is he right for my daughter?', and the boy's father asking, 'Is she right for my son?'
The young man needs to know that he has God's love for this young woman. If he realizes he does not he must end the courtship. This love will be what their marriage is built on.
The girl's father needs to know that this is the man he will give his daughter to. As Mr. Andrews says, "After the wedding is too late.... If he is fooled, and this young man does not take his daughter in the direction of the kingdom of God, he has lost of his weapons of war, a part of his heritage, and his influence down through the ages because his grandchildren may not be raised as kingdom men and women."
When the young man has gotten the go ahead from the father, he must now set out to win the girl. Just because the father is impressed does not mean the daughter will be. She has the right of refusal.



During the courtship the father still needs to be on guard. It is his duty still to protect his daughter. There will be restrictions on alone time and restrictions on physical contact. There is no commitment at this point. Hearts should still be guarded. Mr. Andrews says, "The father should continue to hold the young man accountable as to time and location when the young people are together."
Courtship is not the time to get ready for marriage. Both should be mature and able to enter into marriage already. "The purpose of courtship is evaluation, not preparation."

Next we will talk about Engagement.
I just want to endorse once again this wonderful book I am reading. The Family God's Weapon For Victory by Robert Andrews, is one of the best books I have read on family vision for God's kingdom. It outlines everything. DH and I are both enjoying it.
I am trying not to copy to much straight from the book, but it is hard as he has such wisdom and insight that I can not properly put into words.
I hope you are enjoying this.
Are any of your thoughts about dating changing? Do you already have a courtship model in place?

Be Blessed!

Courtship An Alternative Part Two

"Lets Just Be Friends"



In 1 Timothy 5:2 we see Paul tell Timothy to treat all women as sisters. Mr. Andrews outlines that bit more for us in his book The Family: God's Weapon for Victory. He says, "Anything that would not be done with a sister, that encourages the development of a romantic relationship, is off limits in our new model. This would obviously include, holding hands, kissing, etc.." I personally think this is a great guideline. It gives me something tangible to tell my boys and girls about their relationships with people of the opposite sex.

Mr. Andrews also gives a good contrast of friendships vs. relationships. "Romantic relationships are exclusive, turned inward, with the focus on each other. Friendships are inclusive, turned outward, with the focus on friends, activities, and ideas of mutual interests." Friends are sometimes alone together. Brothers and sisters are sometimes alone together. But as Mr. Andrews points out, "The focus must be on the mutuality that binds them together, not on their relationship with each other." Basically, maybe your daughter and a boy will play a game of tennis together. They might not be in a group playing this game, but they are not focusing on one another they are focusing on tennis.
One thing dad's have to look out for though is how deep is the friendship. Its very easy for a friendship between a boy and girl to get emotionally deep. Father's must monitor their daughter's friendships with these boys.
"When a young man reaches his twenties, he generally becomes ready to begin to think about marriage. He recognizes the need for a helpmate to share and complete his life." Now, the father has been watching his son. He knows his maturity level. He knows if the son is committed to the family goals and kingdom vision. If the father sees this in his son, he can then encourage his son to call a girl and ask her for a "date". WHOA! You said date. I thought thats what we were trying to avoid. Now, Im going to swerve a little off the road that Mr. Andrews is on for just a minute. In our family, this date is going to look something like this; time spent with our family or his/her family, if his/her family is of the same vision. Time spent in our home or the others home. They could sit on the porch, play a game, share a dessert and coffee. We won't necessarily be in the same room, but could walk in at any time. I do think there is a place for some semi-privacy as a couple gets to know one another.
Mr. Andrews does say that, "The father's role of protector demands that he be abreast of where his sons and daughters are at all times, not only geographically, but also in their relationships, and, if necessary, erect fences that his children cannot cross." This could mean the father takes a boy aside and tells him in no uncertain terms what he expects during this getting to know you period. It is very important that the father make clear his expectations. If he does not want the boy to hold his daughter's hand then that must be made clear. Help the young man to understand that if these expectations are not honored then he will not be allowed to see the girl anymore.
Some will balk at this. Well, your children won't agree to this. No, they won't. Not unless you have instilled in them the long term-vision of a fulfilling fruitful marriage. Not unless you have worked with your children so that they understand the vision of the family and the vision of the kingdom. It's all about capturing their hearts. Its all about becoming one as a family. Thats what my husband and I are trying to do right now with our young children. We are teaching them to trust us. If you teach them when they are young to be obedient and to trust you it will be that much better for you when they are older.
So, do you have a plan for your children? What will a "date" look like for your family?
Tomorrow or Monday I will talk about the actual courtship process.

Be Blessed

Courtship An Alternative Part One

I used to know a family whose son was not allowed to date. In my know it all teenage style I thought that was just absurd. Now in my know nothing parenting style I think its a great idea. I have tried to arrange marriages for all of my kids but people just look at me funny. I have stopped doing that...kind of. Im still on the lookout for great kids for my children to associate with in hopes that maybe...well you get the picture.

On one my new favorite message boards lately we have been talking about Dating Vs. Courtship. Interestingly enough, I was in the courtship chapter of an excellent book I am reading called The Family: God's Weapon for Victory by Robert Andrews. I volunteered to outline his method of courtship, which is one of the best models I have seen so far. Then I remembered... I dont really do well with outlines. *Sigh* So bear with me as I try to get the gist of what Mr. Andrews is saying into written format without copying him to much.
He starts with some examples and verses from the Old and New Testemants. I will not go into that right now as I don't need to be convinced that courtship is the way we will go with our kids. Maybe in another post I will talk some about why we believe courtship is the better alternative and share some of his examples. For now I just want to talk about the actual model of courtship.
The first and most important part of courtship is the father's responsibility. The father must be consistent in his involvement.
His first area of involvement begins with his sons. "A father should realize when his sons are young that he has the awesome task of training them to be godly men with a vision for the Kingdom." Mr. Roberts goes into the whole family dynamic and Kingdom vision in his book. It's definately worth looking into. He goes on to say about sons, 'They should be protected with moral fences until they have adopted the family standards and vision for themselves. " Now here is something I thought was very important. "They are ready to marry when the father knows that his standards and his vision belong to them, and they are mature enough, in his estimation, to take on the responsibilities of a family" Sounds right to me. I have told my boys and girls both that they should not even think about a relationship with someone of the opposite sex until they are old enough and mature enough to marry . Now we have an idea of what that should look like in our sons.
Sons should be taught to protect a girl and treat her like a sister in the Lord until the proper time. They should understand the proper time to capture a young ladies heart is not until he is mature enough and has permission from his father and the girl's father.
As for daughters, the wife will do most of the training as the older woman. She will teach the girl to have a gentle and quiet spirit. To keep the home and care for children. Mr. Andrews says of the father, "He will give oversight by encouraging his wife, and being sure that she is communicating what he desires that his daughters should be learning." He goes on to say that the father's main responsibility with his daughter is protection.
Here is where he says something that made my heart soar. It was so true. "Girls are always eager to give their hearts away. That is the way they were made by God, the way they find fulfillment, but often they do not have the maturity to delay gratification until the proper time."
YES! YES! A thousand times YES! I am a girl. I know lots of girls. Anytime a guy smiles at you or winks or tells you your pretty....you melt! How many times was I "IN LOVE" before I met my husband. I mean soul shaking, earth shattering, in love! The numbers are limitless. One time I swooned because a guy gave me a hastily written note on Valentine's day that said he was sorry he had a wrestling match and could not spend the day with me. He really wanted to and would call me later. I swooned! Pathetic. How I wish someone had stepped in to protect my heart.
Mr. Andrews understands. "Because she is a relational, emotional, creature-of-the-moment, a girl is easy prey for a boy who is able to communicate with her, romance her, and who attempts to capture her heart. A father's job is to insure that that does not happen. Rather than teach her how to resist a boy's advances, and try to encourage her not to give her heart away, a father should never let her be in a situation where that is a possibility." WOW!
Little girls should be taught when they are young that there daddy will protect them. They need to understand that that means he will protect them even unto making sure she marries a godly man.
Now, that we have talked about the father's responsibilities we are ready for the courtship model.
I will use another post a little later to talk about the friendship-courtship-engagement model that Mr. Andrews outlines for us.
Until then, what are your thoughts on dating? What about a girl who does not have a father to stand in the gap for her?

Be Blessed!